Airplanes and Airports

Podgorica, Montenegro

I suppose this is what happens when you pass through nine airports in seven days. You start to think about airplanes and airports. Here are some random observations from someone who has spent approximately 24 hours on airplanes recently, and almost that waiting in airports:

1. In the U.S. you can wear your belt when you go through security but you have to take off your shoes. In Europe they let you keep your shoes on but the belt has to come off. Maybe the various global intelligence services have figured out that terrorists are plotting different attacks depending on the continent, alternatively using belts and shoes. You can carry toothpaste in all countries, but it has to be small.

2. In the Dallas airport the restaurant selling bagels was closed while on layover. The sign read, We apologize but this ‘concept’ is closed. In Dallas they call selling a small mound of tuna on a bagel for $7, ‘a concept.’ The concept is called overpricing.

3. Other airport highlights: Miami has a small outdoor park and an indoor smoking room that looks like an aquarium. An aquarium for people who smoke. In the Phoenix airport you can buy a miniature cactus. In the Burbank airport there is not a single Starbucks. Someone told me it is a Starbucks-free zone, but they might have been joking. You can also take Amtrak to Simi Valley where they have many Starbucks. The train cost $10, enough for three small-sized cappuccinos (which at Starbucks are called ‘tall’). In Cochabamba $10 will keep you in capuchins for two weeks. But there aren’t any bagels.

4. Airline highlights: On American airlines they have free in-flight entertainment, but it is really just commercials. If you don’t bring a headset they will sell you one for $2. This means that some people must actually pay $2 to watch commercials. I’d like to meet them. Call me. In Europe they have a new concept. That concept is called feeding passengers. I think this might catch on. They also sometimes serve wine and beer for free. This is also good.

5. The best thing about being on an airplane is that most likely no one will bother you for many hours. The worst thing about being on an airplane for many hours is being on an airplane for many hours. Also, don’t believe them when they tell you that the emergency row seat by the window is a good seat. If it were a Disneyland ride they would call it Antarctica. People would go on it but that is because it would last 10 minutes instead of 9 hours and 40 minutes.

6. If you buy tuna on a bagel at the Miami airport at the bagel place (still open there) tell the young bearded guy from Jamaica that John Kerry says hi. For years he has thought I am John Kerry. I let him think that. It makes a nice story for both of us.

Greetings to all from ‘on the road’.

Jim